It’s the end of the world…and I feel fine: “2012″

No one blows up the world with quite the same aplomb as Roland Emmerich. Whether it’s aliens decimating our major cities in Independence Day or global warming burying the statue of liberty nipple-deep in snow, it’s hard to shake the feeling that Emmerich regards being filmmaker as something akin to a six year-old with a massive set of LEGOS. Sure you can build stuff, but the real fun is smashing it. His unique talent is melding this sensibility with storytelling talent just mediocre enough to keep the audience from emotionally-connecting with the world he presents onscreen. If he were a better filmmaker, we might feel a moment of dread at watching the wanton devastation unfold before us. Thankfully for us all, he’s not. This was a liability in his last film, 10,000 BC, in which he was called upon to, you know, tell a story. Instead he ended up meandering through a bunch of half-baked ideas, while expecting us to care about his characters (never a strong point in a Roland Emmerich movie),  and in the process did to history what Roman Polanski did to that 13 year-old girl in Jack Nicholson’s hot tub. With 2012, he is back where he belongs: using the spectacle of destroying everything in sight to distract us from the annoying characters that populate the movie.

Satan Lives…in a jug: “Prince of Darkness”

You can accuse John Carpenter of many things, but remaking the same movie certainly isn’t one of them. Unlike the Saw guys who just keep cranking out newer and rustier ways to dismember people, or George Romero who never met a symbol he couldn’t fit the Zombocolypse into, Carpenter genuinely tries to make a different movie every time. Of course, they’re not all good—hit miss-to-hit ratio is pretty high—but you can’t say the guy doesn’t try. From the late ‘80s through, well, today he’s hit a bit of a rough patch. A few of the movies he’s made in the past 20 years have some followers, but few have truly tapped into his talents. 1987s Prince of Darkness is a misfire—albeit one beloved by Carpenter fans—but a somewhat intriguing one. Its central concept has all the potential of a cerebral, psychological horror film. Unfortunately, in the execution we get a lot of lame-brained dialogue, bad acting, and a central notion that posits that Satan lives, and he is a math geek.

Just don’t press the freakin’ button! “The Box”

It’s not often that you come across a movie that has a scene which, for all intents and purposes, says “begin tripping now,” but Richard Kelly’s The Box has just a scene. So, gentle reader, be advised that when James Marsden stands in what appears to be the Induction Room at the Richmond Public Library (apparently it has such a thing), and must choose which floating column of water to step into—it’s time to have your ecstacy tabs handy. Who would have thought we’d arrive at this place in a movie based on a Richard Matheson short story. Well, anyone who’s seen a Richard Kelly movie I guess.

Do Not Taunt the Demon: “Paranormal Activity”

Welcome back. Today we’re going to be looking at the film Paranormal Activity, which is one of those DIY movies that some people slapped together for a couple bucks and then gets released and makes quadzillions of bucks. The movie has actually been around scaring people for a couple weeks (and two years in small screenings before it got a decent distribution), but I’m only getting around to it now. Ideally I would have reviewed this in time for Halloween, but I didn’t. Sue me. Anyway, I’m also going to SPOIL Paranormal Activity, but the version I’ve seen is an earlier version with a different ending. Anyway, let’s have at it…

Halloween Movie Roundup!

Happy Halloween everyone! As you probably know, this is the holiday when the barriers between the living and the dead are the most permeable, and supernatural creatures wander the earth. They’ll probably want to watch movies, so you’re gonna want to have some decent horror movies onhand. I mean, if you were a ghoul come over to this side of the veil, would you want to watch The Ugly Truth? I thought not. So here is a quick roundup of great scary movies to watch on Halloween. Many of these are movies that even scared me—and I have a protective layer of cynicism towards most horror films that keeps me insulated from their effects. Okay, so let’s get to it: Gunmonkey’s Best Movies for Halloween!

REPOST: Again with the crocodiles: “Rogue”

Well, color me surprised and not a little contrite. Here I was going into Rogue with my critical scalpels sharpened, ready to properly eviscerate it, and to find—surprise, surprise—that’s actually an effective little thriller. In my defense, I did sit through Primeval, and the experience left me predisposed to treating giant crocodile movies in more of less the same manner as the villagers treated Frankenstein’s monster. Yet, this movie exceeded my expectations.

REPOST: God is in a Really Bad Mood: “The Reaping”

Sorry I didn’t get around to reviewing some new horror films, but I had some work and family issues come up. So here’s my review of “The Reaping,” first uploaded on August 12 of 2007. You probably weren’t reading this blog back then anyway, so it’s new to you.

By the time The Reaping slouched to its inglorious climax—beginning as it did like a hybrid of The Exorcist and Star Trek 5: The Really, Really Bad One and then moving on to feature Divine Retribution—I couldn’t help but think that more movies should end with The Almighty smiting the evildoers. Seriously, how can a movie end better than that? I mean, yeah, the cavalry coming over the hill is rousing, and Han Solo deciding to join the rebellion and saving Luke’s bacon just in time to help him destroy the Death Star is a crowd-pleaser, but what truly beats The Big Guy taking center stage and dispatching the baddies? What better way is there to establish who is Good and who is Evil than to have Maker of Heaven and Earth weigh in on the matter?

Satan’s minion walks the Earth…and his name is Wesley: “The Devil’s Tomb”

Happy Halloween, loyal readers! As we begin the run-up to that most magical day of the year (except for Christmas, Hanukkah, or whatever high holiday you celebrate) we’ll be concentrating on horror flicks. And today’s entry is The Devil’s Tomb. I should warn you at the outset that the devil does not appear in this movie. There is, however a kind of a tomb. A figurative one. No, The Devil’s Tomb is the latest in what you’d call the “People in enclosed spaces see totally impossible hallucinations, but buy into them completely and follow them to their doom.” I’m working on shortening it.

James Cromwell invents the future: “Surrogates”

What is it with James Cromwell? How did this character-actor (always awesome, btw) become the inventor of the future? Check out his resume: In I, Robot he played the dude in charge of the massive company that had the monopoly on personal androids (though, it should be noted, they didn’t go batshit crazy on his watch); in Star Trek: First Contact, he was the scientist who invented warp speed, and allowed William Shatner easy access to hot-to-trot alien babes throughout the galaxy; and now, in Surrogates, he plays the ousted CEO of the company which produces “surrogates”—artificial human avatars who go about daily life, while their controllers lay strapped in futuristic Barcalaungers.  I know the guy’s a workhorse—his IMDB page has him in 6 projects in 2009 alone—but what is it about this guy that makes people think, “Huh. When flying cars are invented, I’ll bet the dude running the company will look just like him”?

Gunmonkey Exclusive: “Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans”

Holy crap! I’m going to be reviewing a film before many of the major media outlets! How did I fall ass-backwards into this? I’m now amongst the media elite! When do I get to suck Rose McGowan’s toes (as all professional movie critics do, I understand). Well, until that call, let’s take a look at Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, a film which proves that if you put someone batshit crazy behind the camera, he can actually make Nicolas Cage look…well, normal is probably the wrong word. Bordering on normal. In the same neighborhood as normal. On the same continent, anyway.