Do Not Taunt the Demon: “Paranormal Activity”

Welcome back. Today we’re going to be looking at the film Paranormal Activity, which is a DIY movies that some people slapped together for a couple bucks and then gets released and makes quadzillions of bucks. The movie has actually been around scaring people for a couple weeks (and two years in small screenings before it got a decent distribution), but I’m only getting around to it now. Ideally I would have reviewed this in time for Halloween, but I didn’t. Sue me. Anyway, I’m also going to SPOIL Paranormal Activity, but the version I’ve seen is an earlier version with a different ending. Anyway, let’s have at it…

Halloween Movie Roundup!

Happy Halloween everyone! As you probably know, this is the holiday when the barriers between the living and the dead are the most permeable, and supernatural creatures wander the earth. They’ll probably want to watch movies, so you’re gonna want to have some decent horror movies onhand. I mean, if you were a ghoul come over to this side of the veil, would you want to watch The Ugly Truth? I thought not. So here is a quick roundup of great scary movies to watch on Halloween. Many of these are movies that even scared me—and I have a protective layer of cynicism towards most horror films that keeps me insulated from their effects. Okay, so let’s get to it: Gunmonkey’s Best Movies for Halloween!

REPOST: Again with the crocodiles: “Rogue”

Well, color me surprised and not a little contrite. Here I was going into Rogue with my critical scalpels sharpened, ready to properly eviscerate it, and to find—surprise, surprise—that’s actually an effective little thriller. In my defense, I did sit through Primeval, and the experience left me predisposed to treating giant crocodile movies in more of less the same manner as the villagers treated Frankenstein’s monster. Yet, this movie exceeded my expectations.

REPOST: God is in a Really Bad Mood: “The Reaping”

Sorry I didn’t get around to reviewing some new horror films, but I had some work and family issues come up. So here’s my review of “The Reaping,” first uploaded on August 12 of 2007. You probably weren’t reading this blog back then anyway, so it’s new to you.

By the time The Reaping slouched to its inglorious climax—beginning as it did like a hybrid of The Exorcist and Star Trek 5: The Really, Really Bad One and then moving on to feature Divine Retribution—I couldn’t help but think that more movies should end with The Almighty smiting the evildoers. Seriously, how can a movie end better than that? I mean, yeah, the cavalry coming over the hill is rousing, and Han Solo deciding to join the rebellion and saving Luke’s bacon just in time to help him destroy the Death Star is a crowd-pleaser, but what truly beats The Big Guy taking center stage and dispatching the baddies? What better way is there to establish who is Good and who is Evil than to have Maker of Heaven and Earth weigh in on the matter?

Satan’s minion walks the Earth…and his name is Wesley: “The Devil’s Tomb”

Happy Halloween, loyal readers! As we begin the run-up to that most magical day of the year (except for Christmas, Hanukkah, or whatever high holiday you celebrate) we’ll be concentrating on horror flicks. And today’s entry is The Devil’s Tomb. I should warn you at the outset that the devil does not appear in this movie. There is, however a kind of a tomb. A figurative one. No, The Devil’s Tomb is the latest in what you’d call the “People in enclosed spaces see totally impossible hallucinations, but buy into them completely and follow them to their doom.” I’m working on shortening it.

James Cromwell invents the future: “Surrogates”

What is it with James Cromwell? How did this character-actor (always awesome, btw) become the inventor of the future? Check out his resume: In I, Robot he played the dude in charge of the massive company that had the monopoly on personal androids (though, it should be noted, they didn’t go batshit crazy on his watch); in Star Trek: First Contact, he was the scientist who invented warp speed, and allowed William Shatner easy access to hot-to-trot alien babes throughout the galaxy; and now, in Surrogates, he plays the ousted CEO of the company which produces “surrogates”—artificial human avatars who go about daily life, while their controllers lay strapped in futuristic Barcalaungers.  I know the guy’s a workhorse—his IMDB page has him in 6 projects in 2009 alone—but what is it about this guy that makes people think, “Huh. When flying cars are invented, I’ll bet the dude running the company will look just like him”?

Gunmonkey Exclusive: “Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans”

Holy crap! I’m going to be reviewing a film before many of the major media outlets! How did I fall ass-backwards into this? I’m now amongst the media elite! When do I get to suck Rose McGowan’s toes (as all professional movie critics do, I understand). Well, until that call, let’s take a look at Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, a film which proves that if you put someone batshit crazy behind the camera, he can actually make Nicolas Cage look…well, normal is probably the wrong word. Bordering on normal. In the same neighborhood as normal. On the same continent, anyway.

2009 Summer Movie Roundup!

Hey, sorry this summer film roundup is so late. Part of the reason is because some of these films didn’t get a release in Thailand until recently. Mostly, though, the reason is that whenever I ponder for extended periods of time the cinematic offerings Hollywood horked up this summer, I’m overcome by the need to drink myself into senselessness. Then I wake up in my own sick, and possibly with unexplained facial injures, and, well, you can see where this would delay the creative process. Oh yeah, the summer of 2009 blew. Especially when compared to the sprightly and mostly fun summer of 2008 (hey, Crystal Skull haters, would you rather watch that again or Transformers 2 again? Yeah, I thought so). Okay, so before the DTs set in, let’s get started.

Dennis Quaid’s career death-spiral continues: “Pandorum”

Okay, so what’s on deck here? Pandorum? Aw, dammit…(sigh). All right. Pandorum. Well, here’s something novel about this movie: it’s simultaneously stupid and disappointing. Disappointing because it’s so stupid, and stupid because of the ways it disappoints. Wow, it’s sort of a Mobius strip of badness. That’s something, isn’t it? Well, not really, but I’m doing my best here. Pandorum reminds me a lot of Event Horizon. Like EH, it’s a wholly original sci-fi vision of terror. Not a franchise, or a reboot of a franchise or a bastardization of a franchise, but something totally new. And like Event Horizon, it carries this idea as far as an intriguing set-design before promptly pissing all over it. Thanks screenwriter Travis Milloy and director Christian Alvert. Want to kick my dog while you’re at it?

The Bangkok International Film Festival Concludes: Fiveplay…”Phobia 2″

So, the last installment in our roundup of the Bangkok International Film Festival, comes from the host country of Thailand. No, it’s not Sawasdee Bangkok! the country’s official entry (fer chrissakes, that movie is 247 minutes long–I couldn’t watch Freema Agyeman bathe for 247 minutes…well, maybe…probably not…possibly…), no, instead we’re going to look at a scary little installment called Phobia 2 (or Haa Phrang in Thai—Five Crossroads). Phobia 2 is a series of five horror vignettes, directed by some of Thailand’s most successful commercial directors. As a general rule, I’m not a huge fan of vignettes—movies or TV shows—since by design they can’t delve too deeply into the worlds they present. In this case, as a horror-injection system, they work pretty well. It kept the girlfriend huddling against me in fright, and what more can you really ask of a horror film?