My Worldview Takes Another Hit: “Pathfinder”

Still reeling from the brutal truths unveiled to me by 10,000 B.C. I was hoping for some light, escapist entertainment. Alas, Netflix has seen fit to deliver even more dramatic revelations about the world in which we live. The world we take for granted. The harbinger of these truths is a little-seen 2007 film called Pathfinder.

 Pathfinder is an American remake of a 1987 Norwegian film called Ofelas. In it a young laplander’s tribe is murdered by an invading tribe, who takes him prisoner and uses him as a guide across the icy wasteland that is Finland. The canny pathfinder uses his knowledge of the terrain to neatly turn the tables on his enemies. Wackiness ensues (I assume—I’ve never actually seen it). In updating it for an American audience, German director Marcus Nispel decided to transport the story to the Pacific Northwest.

 This is where the movie begins its bold truth-telling. I, for one, had no idea that Vikings attempted to invade and colonize North America. I knew that Leif Eriksson had probably made it out here, but not that his Norse brethren had launched an attempt to build their civilization here in A.D. 600, as the movie posits. And apparently they made a couple of attempts. The movie shows us the first expedition, wherein a young Viking lad refuses to slaughter an Indian girl and is left behind when the rest of the group—having, apparently, killed and looted their fill–head back home. The kid is adopted by an Indian tribe and raised as one of theirs. Fifteen years later, when the main Viking invasion force lands (in the exact same place) he is the one who must use his knowledge of the land, terrain, and sword-fighting to protect his adopted people.

 In addition to the whole Viking invasion thing, Pathfinder posits a number of other bold, some might say controversial, assertions. Such as:

•  Cold is not really cold. Sure, we’re told to bundle up in the winter and that we have to be careful of “hypothermia.” All a crock, and probably cooked up by Big Textile to sell more clothes and stuff. Pathfinder takes place during the springtime, when snow is still falling, and lakes are still frozen over, yet the main characters wear midriff- and chest-baring outfits. Romantic lead Moon Bloodgood (that’s such a cool name) doesn’t even wear anything on her long, shapely legs. Imagine that.
• Indians spoke English. At least the ones in this film do. And with a vaguely SoCal accent, too. I guess all that talking in different dialects was just a ruse to get the drop on the white man.
• Indians had the same vocabulary and cultural reference points as contemporary Americans. The good guy is named “Ghost,” because he’s so pale. His best friend is called “Jester,” because he provides comic relief. This brings me to my next point…
• Indians had jesters.
• Indians had no interest in metallurgy. Ghost is left behind as a child with his broadsword. Fifteen years pass before the film picks up again, and in the interim the Indian tribe has never asked “hey, what’s that thing made of?” And that leads into my next point…
• Vikings had broadswords. Archeologists and historians will tell you that the Vikings mostly used seaxes and simple, unrefined knives. Don’t believe it. They had broadswords. I don’t know why the academics are trying to cover that up.
• Swordsmanship can be self-taught. Ghost was a boy of perhaps ten when he was abdondoned in North America. Yet, when he has to fight of the invading Vikings fifteen years later, his skills are on par with theirs. Guess it’s like riding a bike.
• Vikings don’t have human vocal chords. I don’t know what species Vikings are, but their language consists of noises and sounds that can’t be made by a human voicebox. Are Vikings aliens? Mutants? How deep does this conspiracy go?
• Ice doesn’t crack in Scandinavia. Geographers and those shadowy government types at the Department of State would like you to believe that Scandinavia enjoys a pleasant spring and summer. Pathfinder exposes this lie in the scene in which Ghost leads the invading Vikings over a frozen lake. The Vikings show no concern about the thickness of the ice and brazenly cross it with their full invasion force and Vik-horses. They don’t even seem terribly concerned when the cracking noises start.

 

So there you have it. More lies debunked by our pal the motion-picture industry. Let us again count our blessings that we have these bold truth-tellers in our midst. It does, however, raise the question of why we are bothering with this dumb-ass war on terror when the obvious threat to our existence is right before our eyes: Vikings.