Command Performance: “Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li”

One of the first things that occurred to me when I learned that I would be supervising a staff was that I now no longer had to see movies alone. Oh, happy day! So at the Employee Appreciation Lunch, I chatted with my assistant, Jaidee. “So, for employee appreciation day I’ve decided to take you to see a movie. To show how much I appreciate you.”

“That’s very kind, but you already gave me that Thai-dubbed DVD of Casino Royale.”

“Oh yeah. Have you finished your homework on that?” I assigned her to write a 1000-word essay on “Why Daniel Craig is the Awesomest Bond Ever.” You know, to build her English skills.

“Almost.”

“Well, I appreciate you more than one simple DVD set. So what do you want to see?”

“I can choose?”

“Yes. I appreciate you that much.”

“Okay, how about Street Fighter?”

“Sure. Wait, what?”

And that’s how I came to see Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li.

The movie is based on a long-running series of videogames that have managed to interest me not in least in the past fifteen or so years, so I can’t say whether or not the movie gets the mythology right. But then again, if the mythology is your biggest complaint about SFTLCL, then you really should be home recovering from that lobotomy and not out seeing movies. It’s also the second Street Fighter movie—the first being a Jean-Claude Van Damme/Raul Julia (really?) trifle from the early ‘90s. Of course since the target audience for this film probably wasn’t born in 1994, there isn’t any connection to that material—and why should there be?

Anyway, the movie begins with a happy little Chun Li being taught concert piano and martial arts by her business-tycoon father in a palatial estate in Hong Kong. This schizophrenic bliss is shattered, however, when a bad guy named Bison (like the animal) busts in on them, kidnaps dad and punches mom. Little Chun Li watches in horror. Bison is played by Neal McDonough, whose kid needed a liver transplant, which is why he did this movie. At least that’s what I’m going to tell myself, because I like Neal McDonough.

Okay, flash forward a bunch of years, and Chun Li has now grown to be concert pianist. And far more Caucasian than she used to be, as she’s now played by Kristen Kreuk. Her mom dies of cancer, and she’s now free to find out what happened to her father. It has something to do with a scroll she receives, but I’m not sure what. All conversation about the scroll was in Chinese with Thai subtitles, so I was pretty much out of luck there. Oh well…

Chun Li’s search takes her to Bangkok, where she beats up some street thugs and links up with Gen (Robin Shou), who tell her that Bison has her father imprisoned, so he can exploit his business connections to expand his crime empire. Gen sees great potential in Chun Li and promises to show her the ways of the Force (well, not really, but it’s almost the same thing).

In the meantime, Bison’s bid to control Bangkok has not gone unnoticed by the cops. Chris Evans wildly overacts as Charlie Nash, an Interpol agent with a swagger so pronounced, he looks like he’s trying to swim on dry land. Teaming up with him is Bangkok detective Maya (Moon Bloodgood), who dresses as if she just got back from auditioning for Flavor of Love 7, and can speak English fluently, but not so much her (allegedly) native Thai—based on the gales of laughter that Jaidee burst into every time Maya spoke the language.

Okay, so where were we? Oh yeah, Gen trains Chun Li to let go of her anger and hones her martial arts skills. I’m not sure which form they practiced, but it’s the one where you shoot photon torpedoes out of your midriff (TenFeet? A little help?) Some other crap happens. Chun Li beats up some people then gets captured. Then her father gets killed. Then she escapes. Then Gen gets blown up by a missile, but miraculously survives. Bison schemes to get his hands on something called “The White Rose,” which turns out to be his daughter, into whom he transferred all of his goodness and compassion and is his only vulnerability. Chun Li squares off with him and eventually kills him by twisting his neck around 180 degrees. Which is apparently his other only vulnerability. Nash and Maya swagger off into the sunset. Or something.

Anyway, SFTLCL continues the streak of crappy videogame adaptations. This is no real surprise when you consider that it was directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak, last seen screwing up the big screen adaptation of that other seemingly-screw-up-proof videogame Doom. Not only is the plot a hopeless snarl of leads that go nowhere (the whole plotline with Bison’s daughter is the biggest fizzle, but also the characters of Chris and Maya are totally unnecessary), but the performances are all pretty much hopeless. Kristen Kreuk serves up the same wooden performance whether she’s beating some street thugs into the pavement or using her feminine wiles (and weird wardrobe and hairstyle that makes her look like Princess Leia’s slutty little sister) to seduce Bison’s accountant (Josie Ho). Shou maintains the same bemused expression even when he’s being blown up by a missile, and poor Bloodgood tries to come across as tough and competent even when the movie dresses her like a stripper and her Thai line readings are (by all reports) damn near unintelligible.

And then there’s Evans. Not really a good actor, Chris Evans, but holy motherfucking god!What the hell did he think he was doing in this movie? At varying points I leaned over Jaidee and said, “I think he’s drunk. How do you say drunk in Thai?” Overacting doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of whatever the hell Evans is doing here. Psychotic break from reality is a little more accurate.

Honestly, if you thought the day would never come when you would long for quality, taste and restraint of a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie, then you haven’t yet seen Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li.