Halloween Movie Roundup!

Happy Halloween everyone! As you probably know, this is the holiday when the barriers between the living and the dead are the most permeable, and supernatural creatures wander the earth. They’ll probably want to watch movies, so you’re gonna want to have some decent horror movies onhand. I mean, if you were a ghoul come over to this side of the veil, would you want to watch The Ugly Truth? I thought not. So here is a quick roundup of great scary movies to watch on Halloween. Many of these are movies that even scared me—and I have a protective layer of cynicism towards most horror films that keeps me insulated from their effects. Okay, so let’s get to it: Gunmonkey’s Best Movies for Halloween!

Satan’s minion walks the Earth…and his name is Wesley: “The Devil’s Tomb”

Happy Halloween, loyal readers! As we begin the run-up to that most magical day of the year (except for Christmas, Hanukkah, or whatever high holiday you celebrate) we’ll be concentrating on horror flicks. And today’s entry is The Devil’s Tomb. I should warn you at the outset that the devil does not appear in this movie. There is, however a kind of a tomb. A figurative one. No, The Devil’s Tomb is the latest in what you’d call the “People in enclosed spaces see totally impossible hallucinations, but buy into them completely and follow them to their doom.” I’m working on shortening it.

Dispatch from the Bangkok International Film Festival: Zombie Nazis!!!! “Dead Snow”

Zombie Nazis! Nazis who are now zombies! This is a genius combination! Like rum and coke or sorority chicks and tequila. This is brilliant! I mean, I’ve never been a huge zombie fan, but zombie Nazis…well, that’s a whole ‘nother kettle of fish. Just imagine them advancing upon you in a shambling, undead goosestep, all in neat columns. I bet they’d even keep real meticulous records of precisely whose brain they ate and when and where and how it tasted. The whole “feasting on human flesh” thing even makes sense with Nazi zombies (not terribly culinarily adventurous, my people). Anyway, with this irresistible centerpiece (the Nazi zombies), imagine my enthusiasm for the Norwegian BIFF entry Dead Snow.

Guilty Pleasures: “Deep Blue Sea”

1999 was a banner year for exceedingly-watchable films. You have your not-so-terrible ones (Blair Witch Project), your bad ones that you can’t escape (Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, Austin Powers 2: Let’s Exterminate All Traces of Joy from this Franchise), and then are the ones so bad, they can only be described as Guilty Pleasures. Wing Commander falls into this category, and that should be enough. But due to some weird confluence of factors—sunspots, planetary alignment, the Age of Aquarius, the eve of the new millennium…Whatever it was, it gave us another great, bad movie. And that movie is Deep Blue Sea. Or as I like to think of it, Jaws Takes HGH. We have genetically-engineered sharks capable, apparently, of advanced mechanical engineering, and humans who (on evidence) are barely capable of using their opposable thumbs. We have wanton violence and sadistic deaths. We have Samuel L. Jackson overacting when he’s not underacting. We have an utter disregard for the laws of physics. We have Saffron Burrows in lingerie. No, please, no more! I’m only human! Let’s run down the reasons I love this film, shall we? Yes, we shall!

Quentin Tarantino wins the war: “Inglourious Basterds”

[I’m going to spoil some of the secrets of Inglourious Basterds here, so if you haven’t seen the movie yet and you really want to read this review, rush right out and see it. Otherwise, you know, don’t knock yourself out]

Okay, so imagine a scene in which a couple characters talk to each other. Their dialogue is crisp and memorable. Their performances range from the very good to the incredible. The discussion is fraught with tension as one party endeavors to keep a secret that the other is tenaciously trying to discover, yet it is all done beneath a thin veil of civility. Then, abruptly, the veil drops and the scene gives way to a burst of brutal, contained violence. Okay, now repeat that about a half-dozen times and you pretty much have Inglourious Basterds, the movie that may very well mark the moment when Tarantino stopped making movies and began just slapping individual, barely-connected scenes on the screen.  

This movie shoots its load: “G.I. Joe”

Probably the best way to see G.I. Joe is in the company of a 13 year-old boy—preferably one hopped up on Mountain Dew and videogames. If nothing else the proximity to pure, raw enthusiasm for good guys slugging it out with bad guys in cool futuristic vehicles will help dispel a lot of the cynicism inherent in a movie based on a toy based on a bigger toy and directed by the yokel who made Van Helsing. I didn’t have access to an excitable 13 year-old boy, but I had the next best thing, my loyal companion Jaidee (Robin to my Batman, Tubbs to my Crockett, Rose Tyler to my Doctor Who) who, despite being a lovely Thai woman, was once an MP in the Royal Thai Army, and is, at heart, a rambunctious kid. In the weeks since showing her the movie’s trailer, I’ve been treated to endless enquiries, “When we gonna see G. I. Joe?” “How long until G. I. Joe comes out?” “So cool! Jeng maak maak!” And, every so often I’ve had to dodge or deflect an open-hand blow playfully aimed at my windpipe accompanied by a war whoop.

Wings over Bangkok: “Garuda”

A Garuda is an ancient beast from Hindu and Buddhist mythology. I learned this from my boss the Living Legend (his actual title is Living Legend, Slayer of Terrorists, Juggler of Cobras, and Dater of Actresses Worldwide—it takes up most of the back of his business cards). “So what’s the deal with the Romulan Bird of Prey thingee?” I asked one day. TLL paused from a hanging a picture of himself being knighted just long enough to throw a Nepalese Gurkha knife at my chest. “The character of which you speak so ill, is actually called a Garuda, and it is…just blot that…apply pressure…it is a revered symbol in Thai culture that you would be wise to respect. Oh, come on! I didn’t throw it that hard, how could I have hit an artery?” After I came to a few minutes later, he continued: “It is actually the symbol of the Thai Royal family , you Nancy-boy, and any use of it must be cleared by them. You know, when I was with the French Foreign Legion, we used to throw knives at each other all the time. For fun. I don’t know what your problem is.”

Adventures at the Center of the Universe: “Dear Galileo”

Nithiwat Tharathorn’s film Dear Galileo is a surprisingly effective coming-of-age story, which crackles with such realism that it puts most American movies about teenagers to shame. Galileo is also a road movie, and a buddy movie along with a coming-of-age story, and while it hits familiar beats, it never seems derivative or false. Anchored by two exceptional performances, the movie is never less than watchable, and often times genuinely affecting.

No Forward Movement Allowed: “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”

So, in my review of the last Harry Potter movie (Harry Potter and the, uh, Temple of Doom or whatever) I mentioned that these movies seem to spinning their wheels until the final showdown. Well, this one—Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince—is no different. If anything, it spins them even more leisurely than the last couple installments. Really, I never would have imagined you could put so little plot into a 150-minute movie, but there you go.

REPOST: “Harry Potter and The Fifth Movie”

Admittedly, I’m not the best person to review a Harry Potter movie. Being over the age of 13, I haven’t read any of the books. I skipped the first two movies because Chris Columbus, the man who brought us Home Alone—the cinematic equivalent to the Srebrenca massacre–directed them. I did the see the next two, but only because the respective chicks I was dating wanted to see them, and I figured I’d probably get laid afterwards. After watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (solo) I gotta say that when you remove the prospect of sex, there’s really no good reason to see these movies.