Only two super powers could make something this gloriously stupid: “The Great Wall”

Not since a giant robot used an oil tanker as a baseball bat to club a sea monster into submission in Pacific Rim has a movie embraced its own glorious dumbness with as much aplomb as The Great Wall. This is, after all, a joint venture between two titanic entertainment industries, whose viewership numbers the billions (with a B). And the movie they chose to collaborate on is this…in which the Great Wall of China is the last defense against hoards of rampaging alien dragons. Really, I don’t know why people are so exorcised about an ascendant China—they seem to know what they’re doing as far as movies go. Because if you’re not enjoying alien dragons battling ancient Chinese soldiers on the Great Wall of China, well…I don’t know, are you sure you’re alive?

Seeing movies in Hong Kong

Hey there, sorry I’ve been a little late with the reviews, but I took a little trip to Hong Kong. Still, I couldn’t just duck my responsibilities to all of you loyal readers, so I grabbed a couple flicks while I was there. What did I learn? Well, theaters in Hong Kong have leather seats. That’s pretty sweet. The popcorn is pre-buttered, so if you’re allergic to it, well, you’re just boned. Oh, and the biggest movie packing them in is something called 3D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy. I don’t think it’s porn, given the number of teenagers in line to see it. That, or Chinese parents are way cooler than American ones (but Amy Chua’s existence would seem to dispute that).

Anyway, while there I took in the truly weird Hanna and went back to the slasher well with Scream 4.

(Oh, and while I was there I checked out the Avenue of Stars. Michelle Yeoh has dainty little hands. Just as I always expected).

Criminally Unreleased: “Shanghai”

Sweet crap! Two good movies in one weekend? What did I do to deserve this fortune? Wait…I sense some great and terrible karmic payoff in the works. Is there a sequel to Alpha Dog in production? Well, whatever. Until the gods of cinema decide to call in their chit, we have Shanghai, a nifty mystery/spy thriller and throwback to the classic noir movies of old. Shanghai aspires to be Graham Greene, and if it only manages to be warmed over Ian Fleming, well…I’ll take it. Especially when you have a production design this gorgeous and Gong Li being even gorgeouser (yes, that is now a word…I created a word for her…that’s how gorgeous she is).