Guilty Pleasures: “Deep Rising”

I have never understood why more people aren’t fans of Deep Rising. It’s like cinema’s version of cold pizza: sure it’s kinda gross, but it’s also kinda good, and really perfect for a hangover. I mean, let’s think about this movie. It’s got an ocean-liner and a sea monster. I mean, hey you can stop right there. I’m sold already. But no, it also throws in mercenaries, gunfights, hot chicks, and Han Solo-ish lead. It’s such a bottomless bag of B-movie goodness it’s almost embarrassing. It’s like going on a blind date and finding out she’s Olga Kurylenko. And she brought along a box of condoms and a bag of nacho cheese Corn Nuts. And her best friend, Freema Agyeman. You just hit a point where you’re inclined to say “Stop! My cup runneth over! I will never be able to repay this karmic debt!” I mean, eventually you’d say that. Maybe the next day.

Okay, so where was I? I pretty much spaced out after Olga and Freema and Corn Nuts. Actually, several hours have passed. What movie was I talking about? Oh yeah, Deep Rising. I was on the fence about whether or not to file this under “Criminally Overlooked” or “ Guilty Pleasures.” True, it’s never gotten the bad-movie cred of, say, Deep Blue Sea, but saying it’s overlooked is a bit of an overstatement. I mean, if you go your whole life without seeing Deep Rising, you’re probably okay. But if you do come across it in a DVD bargain bin or on cable TV, you’re in luck.

Deep Rising was written and directed by Stephen Sommers, the auteur behind the first two Mummy movies and Van Helsing. It was his dry run at big, dumb, effects-driven comedy/action movies that would become his bread and butter. Sommers is a hack—no question there—but he’s an amusing, hardworking, and ultimately harmless hack. He usually has a hand in writing of his films—so give him credit for his schlocky vision—and as bad as they may be they’re also pretty disposable and not terribly offensive. In the monkey house that is Hollywood, Sommers is like a spider monkey: he skitters around, swinging by his dexterous tail entertainingly for hours on end. Michael Bay, by contrast, is the big surly gorilla who does nothing but smile stupidly, scratch himself, and throw his crap at you at regular intervals.

So what’s so great about Deep Rising? Let’s run it down shall we?

The plot is simplicity itself: Big cruise ship, sea monster, and mercenaries all collide. Not literally. Well, somewhat literally. No, not really. Anyway, the mercs in their go-fast captained by hotshot Treat Williams board the cruise ship and find…a g-g-ghost ship! And some disposable survivors. And a big hungry monster. Shake well and serve. There we go: insta-movie!

Cool Actors: Decent actors always help the schlock go down, and Deep Rising has a uniformly solid cast. As the hero, Williams trades on all that wasted potential, playing a guy who’s half canny and half screw-up. The combination helps the movie go. As his nemesis (and, it should be noted, client) Wes Studi brings his trademark steely glower to the proceedings and makes a genuinely menacing villain. As the weasly ship owner, Anthony Heald shows why he’s the go-to guy for venal douchebags only a few steps from their comeuppance. And in the background we get Jason Flemyng, Cliff Curtis (I told you he’s one of those “hey, that’s the guy from…” actors), and Djimon Hounsou (until he gets an axe through the noggin…something I was hoping desperately would happen in Blood Diamond).

Hot Chicks: Okay, so we get Famke Janssen, who’s always welcome here. And she spends half the movie in a little red dress and the other half in a tank-top sans bra. Okay, who give my ten bucks to? But on top of all that Jansseny goodness we also have the enigmatic Una Damon as the Go Fast’s foxy engineer. Who is she? I dunno. She barely has an IMBD page. But she has a set of cheekbones that could make you believe in a Higher Power and a cute accent to boot (Ah, Korean women…). So, who do I give that ten bucks to again?

A nasty monster: All right, it makes no sense. It’s tentacles apparently have little mouths on them, and this is in addition to the massive pie-hole on its face that’s ringed with sharp teeth. And it lives in the deepest depths of the South China Sea, yet has fairly small eyes that are very functional (despite its natural habitat being almost devoid of light. Who cares? It looks scary as hell. Like an evil octopus crossed with the beasties from Tremors. On meth.

No jive-talking comic relief: Well, that is a relief. All the various Wayans brothers must have been otherwise occupied.

A reasonably funny comic sidekick: Kevin J. O’Connor is actually kind of a chameleon. He was a creepy maybe-dead-maybe-not magician in Lord of Illusions, the tired, but dogged supervisor in Patrick Swayze’s late-lamented series The Beast (miss you, Swayze-dog!) Sommers liked him so much he cast O’Connor as the treacherous guide in The Mummy. Yeah, his Joey Pantucci grates a bit, but his wisecracks have some zing to them. The Girl from Ipanema running gag never gets old.

Cool-ass guns: Sure, those Chinese, shoulder-fired mini-gun/rifles are fake…but wouldn’t it be awesome if they were real?

So that’s Deep Rising. Definitely worth a rent. Put it in your Netflix queue. I mean, what are you saving that spot for? Another dumb-ass Gerard Butler movie? Okay, I’ve given you a recommendation. Now I’m going back to that whole Olga/Freema/Corn Nuts happy place. Gosh I hope I remember to breathe…