What went wrong: “Dick Tracy”

In the summer of 1990, movie execs (particularly those at Disney) were convinced that the upcoming Dick Tracy was going to be that summer’s Batman. It, too, was based upon a long-running comic character. It was written by Top Gun scribes Jim Cash and Jack Epps Jr. It starred and was directed by Warren Beatty. It featured Madonna, fer chrissakes! What, possibly, could go wrong? Okay, did you read any of the stuff I just wrote? Yeah? Then you know what could wrong. I mean, that calculation only works if you live in Bizarro World and sit around shaking your square head, saying, “Me no understand. Me am think Dick Tracy am movie good.” Yeah, but when you throw 110% of the movie’s budget at advertising, well, hell, you can convince people of anything.

Screw you! “Kick-Ass”

So, I finally got around to seeing Kick-Ass. Wow. I suspected the movie would be violent and probably stupid, but I didn’t think it’d be lazy and repugnant at the same time. That’s pretty impressive, when you think about it.  And it might be the only thing impressive about this movie. Kick-Ass desperately wants to deconstruct the superhero genre, but can’t resist the very tropes it is trying to eschew. In the end this movie wants to have its cake and eat it too. And then to eat your cannoli and the next guy’s tiramisu.  Oh yeah, and it’s so mean-spirited and ugly that it left me thoroughly demoralized and depressed after it ended, and only the mental image of Director Matthew Vaughn being eaten alive by water monitors could cheer me up.

REPOST: “Iron Man”

In preparation for the upcoming review of Iron Man 2, I am re-posting my review of Iron Man, originally posted on May 29, 2008.

What would summer be without the season’s obligatory superhero-event-blockbuster, arriving amid loads of fanfare, the buzzing internet chat of legions of comic-book geeks anticipating the movie’s pros and cons, and a veritable tsunami of marketing tie-ins? Well, I guess it would be any summer prior to 1989 (thank you very much, Tim Burton). This year’s entry in the comic-book-to-screen powerhouse is Iron Man, which is kind of unusual since he belongs to a caste of superheroes that exists a little further into the realm of comic-geekdom than Hollywood generally likes to venture. Spider-man, Superman, the Hulk—these are instantly recognizable figures. Iron Man strikes me more like Green Lantern or The Flash—comics you’d buy when the Tier 1 guys are sold out.

Gunmonkey Presents: THE 13 WORST FILMS OF 2008!!!

Yeah, I’m a little late on this one—sue me. I was stuck someplace without any Internet connection for the better part of a week. Anyway, it’s the beginning of 2009, so let’s take a quick look back at the worst damage cinema has inflicted on us in the last year. I’ve tried to play by some rules with this list—they have to be films I’ve seen (I’ve heard that Uwe Boll’s Postal is so bad it causes catatonia in people with IQs higher than Sarah Palin’s, but alas I’ve not yet endured it), and they have to have come out in 2008. I try to keep things simple. So without further ado, The Worst Films (I’ve seen) of 2008!

Seeing (really, really inane) movies with the work-wife: “The Spirit”

So, Kassandra The Work Wife and I had a standing date to see Quantum of Solace, thinking it’d be a nice symmetry since we’d seen Casino Royale together. Unfortunately, at the theater she had other ideas.

”I heard it’s got a complex plot. I don’t like having to think hard in dark places,” she said. “Besides, I forgot to bring your gun, and I know how you dislike seeing Bond films unarmed.”

“I do like to have the iron on my hip when I see 007,” I agreed.

“Hey! Let’s see The Spirit! It’s by the guy who did Sin City. That movie was awesome.”

So we got tickets and, per her insistence, snagged some seats on the aisle (“If there’s a fire, I don’t wanna have to fight some 800 pound suburban land whale to get to the exit.”). Kassandra decided she wanted concessions and returned with roughly enough provisions to supply a colony on Mars for the next decade.

“They had baby-back ribs at the popcorn stand?”

“I ordered them in. The geek in the polyester tux didn’t want to let me bring them in, so I punched him in the neck. I had them bring in a shrimp cocktail, too.”

So, with more food than could fit in the freezer in the Overlook hotel, we settled in to watch the movie.

And then the crazy started.