Pure Awesomesauce! “Fast Five”

Fast Five is like a shot of testosterone directly to the nutsack. It’s really less a movie than a pure, masculinity-delivery vehicle. Seriously. It has fast cars, big guns, some awesome shootouts, a lot of eye-candy, out-of-control collateral damage, and two ‘roided-up ubermenschers duking it out on screen. Truly, if you have a Y-chromosome, there’s no way you’re going to walk out of this movie and not want to immediately bang a hooker and get into a gunfight. Preferably at the same time. If you have any other reaction to this movie, you are obviously gay.

Wow! That didn’t totally suck! “Faster”

So, I guess the planets all lined up right, or maybe the end times are upon us or something, but for once a movie actually exceeded my expectations. That’s rare. Really rare. Like see-a-falling-star/Charlie-Sheen-is-sober-today rare. I sat in the movie theater thinking: What movie am I here to see again? Oh yeah, Faster…ugh! Why am I waiting to see this? Oh yeah, raspberry popcorn.  Then the movie began and by the time I got to the scene where the yoga-practicing hit man is revealed to have been a crippled child, and is now an insane overachiever, something wonderful something amazing happened: I realized the movie didn’t totally suck.  It’s not great by any stretch of the imagination, but for an action flick catering to the Creatine-pounding, steroids-and-tribal-tattoo crowd, it’s a remarkably substantial piece of storytelling.