How monkeys screw up movies

Okay, so the next review was supposed to be Heartless, a psychological/supernatural thriller about a spate of violence in a cruddy London neighborhood that may or may not be the work of demons. Said (maybe) demons wear hoodies and set buildings and people on fire with Molotov cocktails. I was going to hold forth on England’s sudden paranoia toward street crime, how it parallels the urban hysteria of 1970s American cinema, and how laughable that concept is in the sterile, modern-police-state that is 21^st century London. Unfortunately, the events of this week have made that post kind of obslete if not completely tasteless, so, um, let’s talk some more about monkeys.

James Franco ends the world (as we knew he probably would): “Rise of the Planet of the Apes”

I give monkeys not an inch. As far as I’m concerned they are way overrated and under-stigmatized. Sure, everyone sees them capering it up in movies (because they’re massive attention whores), and they think “Aw…so cute…they remind me of my kids.” But really, monkeys are gross, dirty things that, at best, throw their crap at you—think about it: they pick up their crap and handle it…is this behavior that should be tolerated or encouraged?—and at worst will rip your arms off. So let’s not over-sentimentalize the little bastards. As I said to a buddy of mine who was getting all misty-eyed over the documentary Project Nim, “Dude, it’s a monkey. People eat them.” So, I didn’t exactly go into Rise of the Planet of the Apes with an open mind.

Bangkok Confidential: 10 Things “The Hangover: Part 2” Missed…

I’ve been living in Bangkok for a little over two years now, so naturally when I heard The Hangover 2 would be set here I had to see it ASAP—even though I hadn’t been that thrilled about the first one. And see it I did on Siam Paragon’s premier Enigma: The Shadow Screen—a movie theater so exclusive it refers to itself in the third person. There, laying on a bed, sipping my complimentary drinks and munching on complimentary appetizers and popcorn, I took in The Hangover 2. I gotta say, it was pretty funny. Though it dragged a little in the middle, it rallied and ended on a high note. Still, any resemble between the city onscreen and the real Bangkok is strictly coincidental. That’s too bad, since it represents a lot of missed opportunities. Wanna hear about them? Yes you do, so here is my list of stuff they missed in The Hangover 2: